Missing You

We have so many memories together-I can't help but reminisce....Grandma & I were the closest of all the grandkids-it's just the way it's always been-probably because I was the first-who knows. My heart is heavy with thoughts of her-my emotions are mixed. Deep down I feel like I failed her in the end-things I can't change now, but a life lesson learned. I know the pain will go away someday-until then, I'll lean on the good times we had while she was alive-last week....

• walking to Ralphs & Vons in Escondido for samples & Double Coupon Days 
• typically had Bubblegum flavored EXTRA gum in her purse
• Always had Firecracker Popsicles in the freezer when we'd come visit
• made the most delicious Orange Cream Sauce for Angel Food Cake
• always made me my favorite meal-your "secret" recipe Spaghetti
• homemade Utah Scones-like indian fry bread....YUMMMMMMMM
• you made the best roast beef on the planet!
• you'd get irritated if people were not seated for dinner the second the food was on the table-you insisted that it became stone cold INSTANTLY! lol
• we'd always be "starving" from the drive to your house from Cali late at night-so you'd pan sear mini cheese filled sausages for us while our parents unloaded the car
• you LOVED crystal light
• had quite the collection of glass bottled soda pop in the basement
• riding our bikes and roller skates around the entire basement all day
• making blanket forts in the basement
• polishing all the pebbles found around the basement storm windows by using every last drop of your Armor All-Dad got SOOOO mad at us for that one-lol
• you were always sweeping the driveway-you must have had the cleanest driveway in the state of Utah!
• playing checkers on floor level table
• being so excited to drink from the small A&W glass mug
• bringing up dad's old toys from the basement for us to play with
• I used to LOVE to dress up with your costume jewelry-pearl earrings and "diamond" broaches, giant gem rings, etc. You never let me live it down how I lost a piece or two from your collection-and NO grandma-I STILL don't remember what I did with them-I was 4! lol. You knew how much I loved that jewelry and for as far back as I can remember, you said you'd leave it to us kids in your will someday.
• you always wore scarfs to bed or when we'd go out & about
• you had the longest hair-but always wore it up in a bun
• we'd drive around Orem from store to store looking for a "deal"-and at each stoplight, you'd turn off the car to "save gas"-we even laughed about the logic of that on the last day I saw you.
• full of hugs-ALWAYS excited to see us
• loved watching The Young & The Restless and Days of Our Lives :)
• lover of anything and everything Elvis
• constantly daydreamed about your days spent in Hawaii-you really loved it there
• never stopped loving Grandpa-even though you were divorced for decades, you still had a special place for him in your heart and it always ached :(
• always had a box of See's candy somewhere in the house-or at LEAST a See's butterscotch sucker somewhere
• you grew the best tomatoes and roses
• had so much fun visiting & chatting with your neighbors The Lassen's
• hiding over the grassy hills in the middle of the night from mom & dad so I didn't have to leave-it never worked though-how did they ALWAYS know where we were??? lol
• going with you to work while we were visiting you over christmas break. You were a housekeeper to some pretty gigantic, and incredibly beautiful houses in Provo
• how annoyed you got when they built those MONSTROUS houses on the other side of your development-even though we both secretly wished we lived in one of them! lol
• going to Reem's to buy Banana Creamy popsicles
• driving past Marie Osmonds house for the millionth time, trying to get a peak :) You were SO into the "hollywood" thing! Funny-lol
• we both cried at EVERY good-bye, whether I was a toddler or an adult
• when you'd take up the whole kitchen making christmas yummies like Russian Teacakes
• homemade german chocolate cake with the BEST coconut pecan frosting EVER! 
• you LOVED Caramel "anything"
• our road trip to cali
• our road trip to ashton for Grandpa's memorial
• comforting me from "santa's Ho Ho Ho"-dad was so loud it freaked me out, so you sat on the edge of my bed until I fell asleep that Christmas eve, but you never gave away the Santa secret.
• you felt my pain when I was mad at my parents
• going to the movies together when I'd come to visit you after EFY-we saw Mission Impossible 1 & 2 and Must Love Dogs....
• In our birthday cards you always underlined almost EVERY word-lol-and enclosed $1 for each year of our birth inside
• you came to my high school graduation
• always rooted for Mike-liked him best of all my boyfriends
• lover of dogs
• our sleepovers-we'd lay in bed talking and laughing ALL NIGHT
• always had blankets covering the couches
• had the same tv since I was born-it was a HEAVY thing encased in wood with turn knob buttons
• loved sorbet & sherbet-like me
• if you gotta do ice cream-make it a malt! -like me
• came to stay with me in Bremerton-while family went to England. It was hillarious watching you drive stick shift up all the hills around Silverdale in dad's little red hyundai!
• when I was in college-we'd have long late night phone calls that lasted till morning-you LOVED those!
• last year-taking Mike, the kids and I out to Ihop-because it was the ONLY kid friendly restaurant in Utah that was open on Sunday.
• Being so thrilled with the A/C in my car :)
• being SO embarrassed about Mike driving your "awful" car-lol
• ALWAYS clipped coupons and sent them to me in the mail-you name it: diapers, tampons, dog food-anything you thought we could use. So thoughtful :)
• the ONLY person in my life who NEVER came close to using a computer-EVER! Oh how many times I wished you had email or skype! :)
• sitting with you in the hospital holding your hand. You kept asking the nurses is you were dreaming, because you couldn't believe I was there! :(  You told almost every nurse, how "I promised you years ago that I wouldn't let you be alone if you got too old to take care of yourself. How I told you I'd quit my job if I had to, but I would be there and I would take you home with me because I believe that is how the "circle of life" works...."
• laughing till we almost cried, reminiscing about old times, talking about how excited we were for the things you had to look forward to-you couldn't wait for your "vacation" to Ellensburg this summer with Mike & I. Hearing you talk about how nice it was going to be to sit in my backyard with me & watch the kids and the dogs play-how excited you were that the grocery stores were so close, you had big plans to walk there daily (like we used to when I was little).

Grandma-If I could only turn back time.....I know you know my heart, and so I'm trying to not have regrets, but it hurts. Can you help make it go away?