Had a long heart to heart with my favorite uncle today-through texts. I LOVE modern technology.
Its funny the paths that life can take you on. Though we have gone down completely different ones-it is nice to come back to a common one now.
He and I are only 4 years or so apart.
Growing up I used to get excited if my uncle Thomas was going to come to my birthday parties. Stupid huh? I don't know why-it just meant a lot to me.
I can remember all the birthdays he was at.
When we were little we used to play marbles together on the staircase landing at my Grandma & Grandpa's house.
I liked seeing his new additions to his Garbage Pail Kids cards-granted I also thought they were creepy and an odd thing to "like" because I liked "Cabbage Patch Kids" (which are eerily similar :) but still....
Sleepovers at Grandma's were always fun because we were introduced to movies we wouldn't normally pick out. Such as "Harry & the Hendersons" and "Gremlins"(obviously chosen by the older child-Thomas). Both of which became childhood favorites-probably because of the memories attached.
When I was 8-I lost my grandpa...which meant he lost his Dad. Life changed for him at that point. More so than it did mine. I loved and missed my Big Grandpa dearly but I wasn't 12 and losing my Dad. Not only did that happen, but many more twists and turns happened from then on out. We lost contact with that side of the family. I didn't see him or my Grandma Verna for years. It was really sad and I thought about them a lot. I was a child and had no idea why these important people in my life were no longer around-I still don't. But it is sad no matter how you look at it and no matter what the cause of that was.
While we were apart he lost almost everything he had ever known-his dad, his home, half of his siblings (my dad & uncle greg), they lost most family memorabilia in a storage unit fire (imagine having no pictures from your childhood-NONE-except what other people have of you) and more.
Life was really hard.
I know my Grandma did her best-but a mom can only do so much to make up for these kinds of losses.
During High School he met Maria and they had Kaysia (my super cute-ever so adorable cousin-whom we love oodles & smoodles). When Kaysia was about 2, right after my parents had split, we had a family reunion in San Diego. It was then that our sides reconnected and we got to meet her. She and I had an instant bond. Not sure why. We just did.
Thomas and Maria stayed together for years-but things were very rocky. Thomas was still battling his demons and had turned to drugs years earlier. When his feelings got to be too much for him-drugs seemed to be the only way he felt he could escape. The disease of addiction basically ruined his life from that point.
After the birth of their 2nd baby-Kaira-Maria decided enough was enough and needed to do what was best for the kids. She didn't want them around such an environment. Can't blame her.
Though they split-we have been blessed to still be in contact with our cousins who still live in San Diego. We've had Easter & Christmas together-though not since Kaira was born. We have some great memories together.
He is sober now-but hasn't forgiven himself for missing out on years of his babies lives. He has told me numerous times that he is sorry for not being there for us when my parents split and feels that as a man he should have been there. However-his addiction stopped that. He knows he is his own worst enemy. When he sees updated pictures of his kids on our Facebook pages it sets him back. Sadly, suicide is not far from his mind many times-luckily he knows to turn to therapy but still....
He desperately wants to reconnect with his girls but is afraid of rejection and has convinced himself that they are better off without him-though it kills him inside. Sweet memories of his girls are in the forefront of his mind-but so are that of the terrible things he put their mother through when he was high.
"Over the years apart I realized why I loved her so much....Maria is a great girl....all around. I'm blessed to have my kids with her. We both agreed children first, no matter what! All she was doing was thinking of their best interest. I had failed as a partner and it was unhealthy for my kids to see that so she thought of them first and removed the problem. I love her for that and she has my complete respect....."
"I accepted that if the best thing I could do for them was to stay away, I'd eat it every second of every day for the rest of my life. Yet selfishly, I feel like I want them to know me, not as I was, but how I am. The real me. Me not knowing my Dad messed me up big time. I don't want them to ever feel the same when it's not needed."
He feels guilt & shame that maybe if he had of been there for us when Hollie was struggling with the divorce, that later in life she would have never turned to substance abuse.....maybe she would have seen the toll it took on him and my grandma, that maybe she wouldn't have tried it herself???? What I want to know is: what about anyone being there for HIM? :(
My heart aches that he holds everyone's pain as his own.
He has missed his dad SO much over the years and has pretty much repressed all the memories he had with him for the 12 years they shared. It is too painful-so he just says he doesn't remember. That thought gives me a lump in my throat. There aren't words for that kind of pain.
I urged him to not make the same mistakes I have-silence is just not the answer. Sometimes it takes time to heal and that is ok-but don't let too much time pass by. It only worsens the problem. He has literally missed over a decade with his little ones. :( No matter what the rejection or lack of response-keep trying. Sometimes us "kids" just need to know that you actually still care and haven't been written off. I explained how my dad missed my wedding because we did the same kind of stupid thing. NOT WORTH IT-it sucks to live with regret. Life is just too short.
"I've tried sending letters and emails, with no reply. Sent $500 a month last year to help out just because....seeing Kaysia's signature on the back of the cashed check was enough for me. Then I heard she hated me and was ashamed of me. Really set me back. I realize though that the man I showed her I was-she has reason to be ashamed of me." :(
I told him that we all need to get back together for a big family reunion/luau like the olden days. The last one was like 10 years ago! He agreed! Who wouldn't :) So to the hometown of Laie here we come???? lol
I have always been a believer that we go through things in life for a reason. Though we may not know why at the time-there is a reason. I have gone through heartache with my father/daughter relationship, like he is suffering with his? I know the kid/daughter side of things from my point of view-where he is lacking. It was good to be able to talk through with people who love you unconditionally.
No family is perfect. That just doesn't exist. Life is about learning-through trials and overcoming them to better ourselves. I was blessed with an AWESOME family-one I would never trade. I am so grateful for everything I have learned from various members over the years.
My conversation today just reiterated that families are important & the relationships we have here on earth are special and should be nurtured. I know I can personally do a better job with that in my life. Big hugs to my Uncle Thomas for talking me through things today-even if he didn't realize he was :)
I pray that there will be healing with my cousins and that there can be a happy reconnection some day-because:
Life is meant to be enjoyed. Not just endured.
Beautifully put. Thanks for sharing something so special and personal.
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